Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
