Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, beer. Big fan.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
