Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
