A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
