Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
