Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
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For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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