mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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