Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
