Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?