uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"