corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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