Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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