plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
