don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
