You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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