the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.