I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
