I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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