I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
