if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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