He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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