i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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