Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
