Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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