tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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