She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
