Sponge bath it is.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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