Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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