I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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