I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
