I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.