I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
