Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia