The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
