I should be sponsored by Trojan
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
