It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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