Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
