I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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