I CAN MOONWALK!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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