I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
