I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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