The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
