what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
