my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
