I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
