My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
