He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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