When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize