so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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