Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
barbara walters just said penis...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
