Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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