I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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