listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
