HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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