im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
