Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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