it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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